Carry On, My Wayward Winchester

7 Oct

Supernatural: Whatever the opposite of progress is.

 

I haven’t written on this blog in awhile because I fell into a horrible addiction to a terrible substance that looks really appealing but is crippling to your ability to be productive, have a life, and go outside to enjoy that warm ball in the sky. This addiction is Supernatural, and I don’t understand it. It’s misogynistic, homophobic, queer-baiting, clumsy, and unimaginative.

And I love it. I don’t know why.

Okay, so, that’s a lie

Anyway, Season 10 starts today! And to celebrate, I wrote a new version of “Carry On My Wayward Son” just for the show! Let’s all sing along!

 

Carry on my wayward son.
There’s no peace when you are done.
Heaven’s closed and angels suck
So don’t die no more.

[Bitchin’ Guitar Solo]

Sam was clutching Dean tight to his chest hair,
Sobbing manfully but Dean wasn’t in there,
Though he held his brother tighter,
Dean just totally died.

I’ve seen angels stopping people from dying,
They pulled Dean out of hell to stop him from frying.
So why’d his death even happen?
It makes me want to say:

“Where the hell was Castiel??
Up in heaven in a chair?
Talking shit with Metatron?
Cas, you’re always wrong.”

At the end of things I saw a Dean demon
Thought it wasn’t real, still thought I was dreamin’.
Prob’ly shouldn’t be excited
That now his eyes are black.

Though his eyes can see, he’s not a Winchester,
When his soul’s at stake, Crowley’s the investor.
I can’t imagine all the growling,
When I hear their voices say,

“Carry on my wayward son.
Looks like you and Sam aren’t done.
You will never get some rest.
So don’t try no more.”

“Don’t you try no moooooooooooore!”

Star Wars Drinking Game

13 Apr

Now, most of you realize that the point of a drinking game is something that forces you to drink more than you normally would while watching a movie. Sadly, a lot of drinking games don’t realize this. So here’s how this works: you choose an allegiance (Empire or Rebels) and drink according to 2 sets of rules:

1) Rules That Your Allegiance Drinks To for All Three Movies
2) Rules That Your Allegiance Drinks to for an Individual Movie
 *There are also special addendum rules for Special Edition and Insufferable Fans of Star Wars

If you’re feeling like a fucking champion, I suppose you could just follow all of the rules. Then again, you could just chug a beer for six hours straight and it would be roughly the same experience.

All right, now choose your side. Light or Dark side of the Force/beer, either way you’re getting shit-faced.

 

                    Lucas

Best TV First Kisses

9 Feb

You know those shows that you watch pretty much just so you can see the titular characters hook up?

TITULAR characters. Stay with me here.

I love a lot of shows for a lot of reasons, but if I’m not actively shipping two characters in said show, I start to lose interest, which explains why I hated Season 4 of Buffy so very, very much. (I mean, seriously, who was I supposed to root for? Harmony and Spike? Giles and Olivia?)

This?!

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not crazy. I love Doctor Who for the Slitheen and Star Trek: TNG for Wesley, and Battlestar Galactica for Saul Tigh and Caprica Six’s love child (I mean, who doesn’t love Liam?) But I need more.

There’s a lot of good stuff in my favorite shows, but as a culture I think we appreciate a good romance alongside our adventure, not one that waits in the wings. Which is why as long as you give two protagonists good chemistry, even our homophobic society will ship couples like Sherlock and Watson. Even without any noticeable romance, fans will project their own desires for makeouts onto main characters.

And then it gets weird.

So here’s my point: if you want to get into a show because there’s a good, slow buildup to a first kiss that blows you the fuck away, welcome to my life. Let’s be friends. Here are shows that got a great balance of buildup, unexpectedness and either sweetness or hotness. If you’ve never wanted to end a comfortable relationship so you could go have another first kiss like these, don’t watch these shows. Also, congratulations, you’re a much better person than I am.

I have every single type of first kiss you could ask for listed below; choose your favorite and get watching. These are all based on romance, passion and expectation, and they range from “Tender and Sweet” to “Welp, Time For a Cold Shower.”

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6 Sci-Fi/Fantasy Couples That Should Have Happened

6 Feb

When it comes to “shipping” in television, I’m of two conflicting mindsets. Part of me is really a fan of shows that manage to portray a guy and a girl who are close but not romantically entangled. The other part of me, though, just wants to see literally everyone hook up. Just 24/7, Cory-and-Topanga lovefests all the time. And I prefer people to really know each other when they hook up.

This is still okay.

Gone are the days of the old Superman or Spider-Man where the attraction lay in keeping a secret from your sweetie. No one wants to see a couple hook up when they’re keeping secrets or lying to each other. What we want now are best friends, partners-in-crime, hero-and-sidekick kind of action. Rose and the Doctor, Sherlock and Watson, Harry and Sally.

Uh….no.

So here are some shows that displayed great potential for two equal, interesting partners to get con-sensual with each other, but chose not to. And they must be punished for their transgressions.

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Hunger Games: The Empire Strikes Back (A Review)

22 Nov

Having struck a decisive blow against the Empire by calling their bluff and blowing up the Death Star with poisoned berries, Katniss Everdeen is hunted relentlessly by the Evil Emperor Snow, bent on punishing her for raising the concept of rebellion in an otherwise “peaceful” police state.

So the really pressing question becomes: who is Gale in this scenario?

My point is, filler movies don’t have to suck. This is a filler movie. And it doesn’t suck!

And it doesn’t even have Harrison Ford! What is this, witchcraft?

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I Just Started Supernatural….

9 Sep

….But already I feel this way. A lot.

Shut up

Top 5 Doctor and Rose Episodes

7 Sep

rose

I rewatched Series 2 of Doctor Who this week (just kidding, I did it all yesterday.) It was one of those days where you think “Love is terrible, let’s watch someone else’s heartbreak via horrible close-ups, too much makeup and a beautiful Scotsman.”

Not even close.

Now, if you ship the Doctor and Rose as much as I do (soooooooooo excited for the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary!) then you’ve probably wondered which episodes have the best interactions that make this couple so great. After all, they have 28 episodes together and while that 28 includes a disappointing lack of sweaty Time Lord sex, there are moments worth our time. Let’s check it out.

Firstly, though, you should know that there are no episodes from the Eccleston era here. This is partly due to the fact that Series 1 was the shittiest thing ever pooped out by Russell T. Davies, but mostly it’s because Chris Eccleston is 19 years older than Billie Piper and he was clearly uncomfortable with even the remotest notion of romantic entanglement.

(Also, “I think you need a Doctor”? Really?)

“I think you need a good psychiatrist.”

Secondly, you’re going to disagree with my idea of the best episode. You think you know what I’m going to choose. You don’t.

5. The Idiot’s Lantern

What? No, not this! Almost exactly the opposite of this!

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The New Who: Older, Scottish, Still Not Ginger

4 Aug

Moffat really takes the whole “He’s an alien” thing seriously when it comes to casting.

It’s been announced that Peter Capaldi will be playing the next Doctor after Matt Smith leaves in November. I don’t know much about Peter, so here’s what I’ve got:

3. Older

I’m okay with returning to our roots, here. The Doctor can be old, people. He’s not a sex symbol, he’s an immortal, shape-shifting god with a disturbing penchant for young girls. What made Matt Smith so great was his old-man-in-a-young-body vibe. Also, he was weird-looking, which was awesome. David Tennant was wonderful because he had the “I want desperately to be a real person with real relationships” yearning and a sexy, sexy face.

I will use any excuse to post pictures of this man.

I’ll be interested to see what Capaldi brings, because so far what he has going for him is that he doesn’t look like a strange, quirky man at all. Frankly, he looks like a middle-aged banker. Or a low-ranking government official. Which is basically what he played in Torchwood: Children of Earth.

AKA, “You’re goddamn right we’re going to kill off all of our cast”

He was also basically a low-ranking Roman official in a previous episode of Doctor Who called “The Fires of Pompeii.” And for those of you bitching that it disrupts the timeline to have had him appear in the show already, may I remind you that the same episode featured Karen Gillan as a soothsayer, so eat it, y’all.

“I’m just here to find the Last Centurion.”

Also, if we’re not allowed to make previous Who characters become the Doctor, then there’s no hope for Anthony Stewart Head, which is a travesty I shall never accept.

2. Scottish

Steven Moffat is Scottish, so it’s no surprise to me that he would go with a Scottish actor for the new Doc. After all, Karen Gillan is Scottish and she was allowed to keep her accent and her fiery Scottish identity (?) or whatever. So, we’re branching out here at least a little.

Now, we’ve had a Scottish actor before.

Seriously. Any. Excuse.

But David Tennat played a Doctor who spoke Estuary English, and only feigned a Scottish accent for one episode. I’d be really intrigued to see if Moffat let Capaldi play his real accent. That would be sort of progressive. After all, the Doctor is typically an old white Brit. The most we’ve shaken it up in 50 years is to make him younger, attractive, and once from the North.

Yay… progress?

I would have liked to see a woman play the Doctor. I would find it hilarious to have a teenage Doctor who struggles with people not taking him seriously. I’d really enjoy a Doctor with a different skin color. But even to fully endorse a Doctor from “the colonies” would be a nice step for England, (although I don’t ever expect them to make a Welsh Doctor.)

Because this how 90% of the people I met in England viewed the Welsh.

So yes, Capaldi is sorta bland-looking, older and Scottish. I freely admit that I know little else, But I do know one more thing…

1. STILL Not a Ginger

And I am just SO OKAY WITH THAT

Why Matt Smith Needs to Go

5 Jul

It’s time for a new Doctor.

Lots of people are speculating about who the next Doctor will be, but before we can get to that, I think we need to talk about what we’re letting go of and what direction that character is pointing us.

Matt Smith was a great incarnation who had to come in at the end of the brilliant run of the most beloved Doctor ever.

He also had the misfortune of looking like this instead of like David Tennant.

He played a wonderful Doctor from the very first moment, combining Tennant’s frenetic zaniness with a child-like enthusiasm all his own. It worked. It doesn’t anymore. Let’s look at why.

3. He’s Outlived the Character

Steven Moffat did something very specific when he took over as head writer for Doctor Who: He chose to create a Doctor who felt, in a lot of ways, brand new. Part of the fun of new incarnations is letting them test out their new bodies and personalities. David Tennant spent 15 minutes realizing he was rude,  in love with Rose and not a ginger.

Also, a plagiarist of the occasional Disney musical.

Matt Smith’s Doctor, however, took this quirk to a whole new level. His incarnation has been quite literally taken by surprise by every emotion, sensation, interaction and taste he’s experienced. One of his first scenes involves him trying to figure out what food he enjoys and realizing he hates everything. Smith’s Doctor is a wonderful juxtaposition. He has the hard facts and knowledge of a 900 year-old time god, but when it comes to experiencing sensations, he’s brand new.

Joe Doctor

What a totally novel concept.

It was wonderful to watch this at first. Witnessing his discomfort concerning physical intimacy was hilarious and watching him quiver with excitement when a new emotion hit him brought a freshness to the role that hadn’t been there before. He was still old and tired and sad, but at the same time he was young and excited and new.

But it’s been awhile now.

I have no idea how much time actually passed in seasons 6 and 7 for Matt Smith’s Doctor. He spent a lot of time alone, and purports himself to be around 1100 these days. So the thing is, with all that time spent, it no longer makes sense for him to be excitable and surprised by life.

He can’t look at a mop this way again unless he just found out the handle vibrates, is what I’m saying.

That brings us to…

2. He’s Out of Things to Do

I’ve mentioned previously that Moffat’s Whoniverse is problematically clever. He’s ambitious in his story arcs and enjoys twists that don’t always pan out. When he started, he balanced that with emotional relationships, though. The Doctor and Amy’s initial meeting sparked a powerful bond based on their similar emotional maturity levels.

The Doctor and Amy [citation needed]

She grew up and he didn’t, and that made for an interesting relationship. Rather than being the ageless god, he was Peter Pan, who would remain exactly the same and flit off to have adventures and never hold down a single responsibility. Amy, like Wendy, chose to stay behind and have a real, full, human life.  That was an interesting dynamic.

On top of that you had the fantastic Mrs. Robinson dance going with River Song, which just recently reached its natural conclusion. We finally saw the Doctor take charge in the relationship. He kissed the crap out of his wife when it wasn’t to save the world, turn back time or any other such bullshit.

And no disgusting mullet like he had at the end of Season 6!

Matt Smith’s Doctor is all grown up and has nothing left to do. His wife is dead, he’s finally reached sexual maturity, and his daughter/companion is gone forever. A Doctor in limbo is no Doctor at all, and Moffat knew that when he wrote the most recent Christmas Special. The Doctor was up in the clouds, waiting to become interesting again.

Which leads me to my final point…

1. There’s No Fucking Point to Clara

Tell me one thing about Clara that doesn’t involve the Doctor.

It cannot involve dimples.

I liked Clara when we first met her as the brilliant captive on the Dalek prison world. She was smarter and more knowledgeable than the Doctor and I was so ready for that. I wanted to see him have to try to keep up with someone. By the time we got to her modern incarnation, though, there was nothing really special about her. She’s just…good. She’s a good person who saves the Doctor’s life all the time but who has no extraordinary experiences, skills or quirks.  What is there about her that makes her unique?

I hate Amy, but Amy at least had character traits. She had a past that was all fucked up because of the Doctor, a tough exterior, a bratty sense of self-entitlement and relationships outside of the TARDIS. Clara takes care of children with no personalities and has a dead mother. THAT IS ALL I KNOW.

Oh, and she’s only allowed to be brilliant if an electric colander puts computer knowledge directly into her brain.

Matt Smith cannot remain the Doctor if his companion is just an intellectual curiosity. His Doctor is needy and requires attention and an audience and someone who loves him. Ideally, his character would seek out another child and try to remedy the mistakes he’d made by actually acting as a parent and failing hilariously. I personally would like to see him take on a commanding professional who is either military or technically-minded. Those would bring out interesting things. But if the best we can get from his story line now is a (sexy) mysterious person puzzle, then it’s time for someone new.

But I will miss that bow tie.

Arrested Westeros

27 May

If you’re not watching the new season of Arrested Development and Game of Thrones, shame on you. If you are, why not experience them at the same time?

From the brilliant people here.

Arrested Westeros is the most genius tumblr of all time. It takes the dialogue from AD and puts it on images from GoT.

And I have made one of them.

Proudest day of my life.