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Best TV First Kisses

9 Feb

You know those shows that you watch pretty much just so you can see the titular characters hook up?

TITULAR characters. Stay with me here.

I love a lot of shows for a lot of reasons, but if I’m not actively shipping two characters in said show, I start to lose interest, which explains why I hated Season 4 of Buffy so very, very much. (I mean, seriously, who was I supposed to root for? Harmony and Spike? Giles and Olivia?)

This?!

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not crazy. I love Doctor Who for the Slitheen and Star Trek: TNG for Wesley, and Battlestar Galactica for Saul Tigh and Caprica Six’s love child (I mean, who doesn’t love Liam?) But I need more.

There’s a lot of good stuff in my favorite shows, but as a culture I think we appreciate a good romance alongside our adventure, not one that waits in the wings. Which is why as long as you give two protagonists good chemistry, even our homophobic society will ship couples like Sherlock and Watson. Even without any noticeable romance, fans will project their own desires for makeouts onto main characters.

And then it gets weird.

So here’s my point: if you want to get into a show because there’s a good, slow buildup to a first kiss that blows you the fuck away, welcome to my life. Let’s be friends. Here are shows that got a great balance of buildup, unexpectedness and either sweetness or hotness. If you’ve never wanted to end a comfortable relationship so you could go have another first kiss like these, don’t watch these shows. Also, congratulations, you’re a much better person than I am.

I have every single type of first kiss you could ask for listed below; choose your favorite and get watching. These are all based on romance, passion and expectation, and they range from “Tender and Sweet” to “Welp, Time For a Cold Shower.”

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Top 10 Episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

1 May

Just so you know: you’re going to disagree with this list. I’m rereading it right now and I already disagree with it. I know that the top 3 entries belong up there in some sort of order, but that’s it. The wonderful thing about Buffy the Vampire Slayer is that it’s a teen TV show about a girl that isn’t just for teens, or girls. Different episodes can speak to you in different ways at different times of your life.

Like reading Faulkner, but with less wanting to kill yourself.

Anyway, let’s get started with my poor decisions. I’m going to stick with stand-alone episodes for this list. I know that a lot of the season finales are phenomenal, but they’re the product of a season’s worth of buildup. These are ones that can blow you off your feet all by themselves.

[Warning: There are major spoilers below of a show that ended ten years ago. The warning is that you are seriously out of touch with pop culture. Fix that by watching these episodes.]

10. Earshot (Season 3, Episode 18)

“How am I supposed to commit suicide with a gun that’s longer than I am tall?”

There are so many great episodes that this entry was almost a 3-way tie alongside “Tabula Rasa” and “Something Blue” because they’re all funny, mix-it-up episodes with an underlying sadness to them. I went with “Earshot” because it revealed the most about character while still giving the show a good shake.

In “Earshot”, Buffy becomes magically endowed with the ability to hear others’ thoughts, which quickly turns out to be more of a hindrance than an advantage. This episode gave us our first dramatic look at Jonathan, who had previously been used, not even as comic relief, but as a backdrop. It reminded us that other people are starring in the brilliant epic that is their own life, and maybe you should pay attention to that sometimes.

Especially when he suddenly stars in the epic that is your life.

Really, though, I just love this episode for the funny moments of insight into others’ minds. We learn that Xander does math badly to keep from thinking about sex, Oz is the embodiment of Hemingway’s iceberg theory, Cordelia says the first thing that drifts through the vacuum of her cranium, and Angel literally has no thoughts (or they just “make no reflection in your mind”, as though that should mean something.)

Wait. A vampire who’s immune to mind-reading? Didn’t they steal that from Twilight?

Best Line:  Oz: [Thinking] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist.
[Out loud]: Hm.

Best Moment: Buffy mentions that she knows that Giles and her mother had sex and Anthony Stewart Head uses this opportunity to walk into a tree.

9. Intervention (Season 5, Episode 18)

The episode that called into question exactly how much silicone makes up SMG’s genetic structure.

Season 5 is all about growing up and while it’s still witty, there are far fewer fun and funny episodes in this season than in others. It’s sort of a downer when the main character loses her lover, finds her mother dead on the couch, gets her ass kicked every time she meets the Big Bad and gets saddled with the world’s worst genetic bag of hormones.

No, Dawn. You know what? You get out.

And then “Intervention” comes along. And it’s classic, oh-shit-topsy-turvy-let’s-make-Spike-and-Buffy-kiss magic and fun. Spike gets a Buffybot for lascivious purposes, but everyone mistakes it for the real Buffy. Hilarity ensues. And then it ends on a surprisingly serious (and astoundingly tender) note. I actually enjoy watching Sarah Michelle Geller in this episode.

Gee, I wonder why.

Spike is easily the most interesting character in this show, because he is victim to some really contradictory feelings. There is nothing more wonderful than seeing him be gentle and loving. When Buffy rebuffs him (leave that pun alone and I will too and we’ll just keep soldiering on here), it’s funny. When she responds with enthusiasm, it’s hot. When she’s touched by his loyalty and kisses him for real for the first time in the show, it melts your soul a little bit.

Aww, his heart is just as tenderized as his face!

Best Moment: Probably a tie between Spike convincing the minions that Bob Barker is The Key and getting to see post-coital Spike with mussed-up hair (I’m a fangirl, shut up, I squee sometimes.)

Best Line: Xander: No one is judging you. It’s understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike! But I’m starting to think that you might be.

8. Chosen (Season 7, Finale)

“Buffy, weren’t you gut-stabbed like, an hour ago?”
“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

I said I wasn’t going to include finales, but I lied. I have to talk about this episode. I loved “The Gift”, which was a great way to end Season 5, but deep down I always had a problem with the heroic sacrifice. Although Buffy chose to give her life for the cause, she always had to play the game that other people forced upon her. She was forced to be a Slayer, she was forced to take in Dawn, she was forced to kill. She chose to die, but she had limited options there.

“Chosen” changed all that. It’s the most feminist episode I’ve ever seen. It’s about a woman who flies in the face of every patriarchal tradition, empowers a bunch of women, defeats evil, and then is free to do whatever the fuck she feels like.

Sadly, not this anymore.

It also has Nathan Fillion as the world’s creepiest preacher, Angel showing up and being shut down, Willow finally embracing the sacred side of magic, Spike’s heroic sacrifice and the brutal slaying of an established character. What more could you ask for?

Nope, sorry. She never comes back. Give it up already.

Best Line: Spike: Most people don’t use their tongue to say hello. Or, I guess they do, but…

Best Moment: The “Welcome to Sunnydale” sign falls into the gaping pit that was once the thriving, demon-infested town. The sun is bright. Everything is still. The cluster of survivors survey the remains of their city uncertainly. Dawn turns to her sister. “Buffy…What are we gonna do now?” The camera pans in on Buffy as a slow realization sinks in. She smiles.

END OF THE FUCKING SERIES, HOLY SHIT, JOSS WHEDON Continue reading

Top 10 Creepiest Sci-Fi/Fantasy Villains

10 Apr

Please note that this is not a list of the BEST villains in Scifi/Fantasy, just the creepiest. These are the insidious shadows and barely-suppressed manic grins that make your skin crawl. What’s really surprising about this list is how many of these are from network television shows, and how they’re way scarier than most horror films.

 

10. The Hitchiker, The Twilight Zone

And then he asked for spare change. The horror!

For those of you who are too young/uninformed to know what this entry is but still hate M. Night Shyamalan, I have good news: The Twilight Zone made a metric fuckton of scary (for the ’60s) TV episodes that outtwisted M. Night way before his movies even got terrible. One of my personal favorites is “The Hitchhiker,” the story of a woman who keeps seeing the same creepy homeless man no matter where she drives. Naturally she has to drive on the most deserted roads and of course she has to stop and get out of her car at several points, because this was back when we all wanted our cars to use a tank of gas over the course of five miles or so.

Twilight Zone: Brought to you by Ford.

What makes it creepy: Society and its multitudinous civilians have given us the impression that we’re always safe, that help is never that far away. This episode shrinks that feeling of safety down to two areas: 1) The inside of an otherwise empty car and 2) Moving. If you don’t have both those things, you’re suddenly not safe. Don’t drive at night after this episode.

 

9.The Puppetmaster/Bloodbenders, Avatar: The Last Airbender

Everyone’s favorite grandmother

“The Puppetmaster” was just about the creepiest episode of children’s television I’ve ever seen. It happens in Season 3, around the time the writers realized that if Katara could “bend” her own sweat, she could probably do it to other bodily fluids as well. So did they depict her stopping a hemorrhage? Blowing awesome snot rockets? Introducing the most creative form of birth control ever?

NO. They gave us a creepy-ass old woman who could literally control people by bending their blood.

What makes it creepy: She can control people by bending their blood. Also, it looks really painful. Or maybe arousing?

Guess where she sent all the blood in this picture?

 

8. Hands of Blue, Firefly

Stopped being a proctologist after all the “Hands of Brown” jokes

I don’t know what these men are technically called. I’d prefer they stay nameless, but we’ll call them the fanon-deemed “Hands of Blue” for clarity’s sake, which is better than “Blue Myself  Twice”

Not the same.

Firefly was cancelled much too young, but one good thing that came out of that was never knowing what these guys really wanted. Having them stalk our heroes through the episode “Ariel” and killing their own men while River freaked out was confusing enough to be really, really creepy. It’s all based on knowing the victim’s reaction rather than the villain’s motivation, so you never know what will happen next.

What makes them creepy: They seem to be immune to their own weapon. Unlike Men in Black, when they set off their flashy-thingy, they wear no protective gear. They look like humans, they wear no armor, but they’re curiously emotionless as everyone around them pukes blood out of every orifice.

 

7. The Pale Man, Pan’s Labyrinth

“The fuck?”

Pan’s Labyrinth took fantasy and mythology and made it insidious and terrifying. All of it reflected the horror of the real world happening outside of Ofelia’s addled little mind. Nothing was creepier than the Pale Man, an emaciated creature that sat and starved at a feast, the only thing on its plate being its own eyes. It mirrored Ofelia’s stepfather, who kept an abundance of food locked in a barn, waiting for people to try and take it so that he could kill them.

What makes it creepy: 

Exhibits A – M

Enough. Fucking. Said.

 

6. Vasha Nerada, Doctor Who

The most primal of fears.

The “Silence in the Library” and “Forest of the Damned”, Steven Moffat’s two-parter mindfuck really dug into the most basic human fear: the fear of the dark. The Vasha Nerada are sentient shadows that latch onto a host and strip them of their flesh. You never know which shadow might have an aerosol piranha in it, and you never see it coming. You just look down and suddenly you have two shadows. And then you know you’re dead.

What makes it creepy: I always thought I was afraid of things that might be hiding in the dark. Now I’m afraid of the dark itself.

 

5. GLaDOS, Portal

“Cake followed by light bondage?”

Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System (GLaDOS) is creepy the same was HAL is creepy in 2001: A Space Odyssey. It’s terrifying to imagine our robotic creations trying to murder the tits out of us. What GLaDOS has on HAL is the format of Portal itself. You think you’re just playing a typical puzzle game and she’s the annoying Navi telling you what to do. It’s helpful, but bland, and she even has the cool, neutral robotic voice.

Then she starts slipping in little things that make you wonder, like “Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.” Then you start seeing stuff like this:

The brilliant idea that was ruined by a thousand memes.

Then she starts trying to kill you.

What makes it creepy:  The fact that since it’s a video game and not a movie, you have to play her psychotic little game. It’s like the difference between taking a roller coaster ride in a haunted house and walking through one on your own two feet.

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Rating Buffy Villains (From Worst to Best)

7 Apr

I can’t cover every Buffy bad guy in this post, and I won’t try. There are approximately a bajillion villains, including, at one point or another, every single good guy in the whole freaking show.

What,

You

Think

I’m

Kidding?

So we can’t rate all of them, although that would be fun. For the sake of brevity, we will be focusing on the Big Bads from each season. You may have noticed that all of the seasons (with the exceptions of Season 1 and Season 7) have two different Big Bads: an expected one and a “twist” that puts a personal spin on things. The combination as well as the overall value will be factored in here. Let’s start with the crap:

7. Adam/The Initiative

But mostly this guy.

It’s almost too easy to put this in last place. Aside from “Hush” and “Who Are You” there is hardly a single good thing about Season 4. Riley Finn, losing Oz, Riley Finn, Giles being irrelevant, neutered Spike, Riley Finn and Riley Finn are some major problems, but mostly it suffers from a relevant bad guy. The Initiative starts out as the villain in question. It’s a shady organization that reeks of government conspiracy that plays Frankenstein with demon body parts and inexplicably monitors its own soldiers’ bedrooms.

“I like to watch Riley having sex because of reasons.”

While it’s kind of interesting to imagine how the government would deal with a world of demons, mostly this breaks the line that the show was riding between camp and fantasy. It’s fantastical to believe in a world where demons are everywhere and no one notices.  It’s camp to acknowledge that people are being oblivious to something so obvious. It’s neither to suddenly involve the freaking CIA. The idea kind of falls short, because once the Initiative is shut down, the government goes back to pretending demons don’t exist, and we go back to the old format.

Mission accomplished!

And then there’s Adam, the true Big Bad, who has no bearing on Buffy’s life at all. They hardly ever interact, he reveals nothing about important characters, and he looks like he’s covered in tapioca pudding.

Also, remember his built-in floppy disk drive? Weren’t the ’90s adorable?

There’s no build-up with Adam either. He’s introduced with potential for some really fucked up Oedipal shit, but the first thing he does is murder Maggie Walsh and spend the rest of the season in the sewers. Not interesting, not relevant, and I don’t care if you’re referencing Mary Shelley. This didn’t belong.

6. The Master I’m not really sure why the Master is so low on this list. Frankly, there’s nothing wrong with him.

Except that pesky fruit punch mouth.

The Master is just the typical vampire villain. Creepy, gothic, inhuman and bat-like. He’s there to create the standard so that Joss could then break the rules and have fun with the tropes. But that doesn’t make the Master any more interesting. There’s no history to delve into, no humanity to explore. He kills minions who fail, he puts stake in the prophecy, he lisps over those fake fangs, yada yada yada. Let’s face it, we all skip this season anyway except for the episode “Angel.”

Because who doesn’t like watching a little statutory rape on network television?

5. The Trio/Dark Willow Let me start this one out by saying that I’m pretty torn on my stance when it comes to Dark Willow. On one hand, I like to see actors and characters given the chance to expand and to break out from their traditional roles. Joss is great at not letting anyone stagnate. That said, I think he was a bit off with this one.

Like when she suddenly started Palpatining all over the place.

The only point of making a character go bad is to show a compelling and even sympathetic reason for them doing so. So the writers killed Tara. And that felt like a cheap shot. It felt like they did it so they could let Willow go crazy. Willow had a great, subtle arc, going from a geeky spaz with no self-esteem to a brilliant, talented witch who was coming to terms with her sexuality. Then suddenly she was a soulless lightning wizard out to murder her friends. And the world.

The problem is that Willow already went crazy over Tara in Season 5, but in a believable way. It showed her power, recklessness, poor judgment and vindictive side without taking away her humanity. Season 6 took away the audience’s ability to empathize with her.

Which reminds of the most forgettable bad guy in this series, along the same theme.

Terrifying.

The Trio also attempted to remind the audience that demons are not the only sources of evil in the world. Human beings are evil all the time, for profit or glory or because they’re rapist dickbags. The Trio was a brave attempt at showing that. And I can certainly see why they went with Warren, who created sex slaves, lied to his girlfriend about it and always tried to get out of blame. But Jonathan? Really? Didn’t Buffy save him from suicide, causing him to recognize her contributions and choose to award her at prom in one of the sweetest scenes in the whole show?

“Nah.”

Even apart from all that, it’s insulting how Buffy could fight a god in the previous season and fail so miserably against three nerds. Pathetic.

4. The First I like the First. I do. A nameless, faceless nonentity that is the root of all evil and can take on the form of any dead person? That’s just brilliant.

buffy

And TWO Buffys? AHHHHHH!!!!

This was a great bad guy to go out on. It was desperate, it was heroic, and it created the most brilliant series finale I’ve ever seen. The bad guy was rooted in mythology and tradition and deep, primal fear, so of course Buffy had to take all of that history and completely fuck with it in order to beat the baddy. That was awesome. The only reason it’s low on the list is that it’s straightforward. And if I can’t deconstruct it, it’s going to be a middle list entry.

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Worst Sci-Fi Fantasy Couples

21 Mar

All right, we’ have the best sci-fi/fantasy couples, as well as the sexiest pairings known to televised censorship. What, though, about the worst couples? I don’t mean the couples that are purposely bad, or the couples that get together just to keep the True Love Pair from actually hooking up.

Their love was so misunderstood.

No, rather than talking about the Rose-and-Mickeys of the romance world, I want to talk about the worst couples that the producers and writers force-feed you. The ones that, for inexplicable reasons, you’re supposed to like and support. The people that are terrible but are pushed together through contrived banter and nonexistent chemistry, and that leave no satisfaction afterwards.

The McDonald’s of romantic decisions, essentially.

[*Editor’s note: This list contains neither “Bella and Edward” nor “Bella and Jacob”. Nor even “Edward and Jacob.” Yes, there is evidence that the author wanted any and/or all of those pairings to be viewed favorably. No, I don’t care.]

7. Westley and Buttercup, The Princess Bride

“This is true love. You think this happens everyday?”
“I sure hope not.”

It’s a wrench including this couple, it really is. But I have to, because for years when I thought of “true love” I thought of Westley and Buttercup: she waits for him loyally, he fights his way home to find her, they cover insurmountable odds and live happily ever after (except for the whole him losing 50 years of his life to Count Rugen. So I guess they live happily for like, five minutes.)

“I turned it up to eleven.”

Okay, but let’s talk for real about this couple. It starts out with Buttercup ordering him around like her little bitch. He always responds with “As you wish” which is code for “I love you” (hopefully not in a romantic way, otherwise the grandpa at the end of the story is going to jail.)

So what, either he gets off on being dominated or it’s just because she’s hot? Fine. Whatever. They fall in love. She learns to say please. Everyone grows as a person.

Then he leaves and apparently dies. She loses her shit and shuts down completely. But he’s not dead! He’s off becoming a pirate! Not just a slave to a pirate, but a head honcho pirate. He becomes the Dread Pirate Roberts and does piratey things! Like having a parrot, wearing a mask, plundering gold…oh, and probably raping and murdering. How attractive.

So does he send word to let his beloved know he’s alive? Nah. He waits five years to see if she’ll remarry. Then he kidnaps her, threatens to backhand her for lying, and taunts her about her fiance.

Also, that ponytail. God, that ponytail.

Let’s face it. Buttercup is useless (can’t even fight off an R.O.U.S, for fuck’s sake) and Westley is a douche.

My apologies for the destruction I just wrought on your childhood.

6. Willow and Kennedy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Kennedy, the only reason to open your mouth is that pierced tongue.

Sadly not the worst relationship to happen in the Buffyverse, Willow and Kennedy are still difficult for me to handle, mostly because Willow was the best thing to happen to relationships since crotchless panties.

Go ahead and imagine the two together. I’ll wait.

Willow was the first person in the series (including Giles, the grownup) to have a stable, committed relationship that wasn’t all about drama. She and Oz had a quiet, realistic coupling that still managed to be sweet and endearing and wonderful. Then they got rid of him, so he could go make shitty movies.

“No, I’ve made good life decisions.”

Then she slowly fell for Tara, a sweet, deep, mystical girl without a violent bone in her body. It was amazingly tender and thoroughly erotic. And then they got rid of Tara.

Enter Kennedy. Whiny, obnoxious, self-absorbed and spoiled, she was unapologetic about her egotism and completely wrong for Willow. They had nothing in common except that they were both lesbians, and Kennedy neither understood nor sought to learn about Tara or what made Willow tick. I was sad to see Willow end the series on that note. I would have preferred almost any other pairing.

YES.

5. Saul Tigh and Caprica Six, Battlestar Galactica

“I got an eye patch. Bitches love eye patches.”

There’s actually not much to say about this couple, since it was getting toward the end of BSG’s decent episodes and descending right into the chewy nougat center of their weird religiosity and bizarre hallucinations. Basically, Saul Tigh bones Caprica Six which, if you look at the two of them, proves that this is, indeed, a fantasy story. She gets preggers and there’s a lot of fuss about their child being the destined Cylon/human hybrid. Then the baby dies. Then it turns out it wasn’t even actually a hybrid, because of lazy writing.

“Shit, I was supposed to plan this?”

I can’t even talk about how stupid this couple is. Tigh is a decorated war hero who has every reason to hate the Cylons. Caprica Six is in love with Baltar and possibly her own clone, and who gives a shit if they have a kid? It’s a stupid plot point, it’s a lie to the characters, and it only seeks to tear jerk where the well is completely dry.

The same is probably true for Tigh’s well, if you know what I mean.

4. Merlin and Gwen, Merlin

The BBC show Merlin is not an especially feminist text. By that I mean that every female character is either mindlessly evil or blandly, one-dimensionally good. Sadly, no character is flatter than Guinevere.

Not literally.

Gwen loves everyone in the show, and I mean everyone. Arthur, Lancelot and yes, even Merlin. For a while in Season 1, the writers apparently thought it would be great to hint at a romance between the woman destined to be Queen of Camelot and the weird little wizard boy who looks like the bastard son of Chris Eccleston’s ears.

Dumbo may also have been involved.

Anyway, there’s a lot of awkward intimations and Merlin remaining staunchly asexual throughout Gwen’s fumbling hints at attraction. The whole thing is frankly embarrassing, and not worth the halfhearted effort the show made trying to get us to care.

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The 6 Best Resignation Speeches (from Famous Characters)

19 Mar

So, the Pope resigned.

Ratzinger (as he may rightly be referred to now), voluntarily gave up the power over the entire Catholic church and whatever Babelfish he’d stuck in his ear that could translate the direct commands of God.

“Hey, I know one thing you guys should probably stop doing.”

This got me thinking about all the times when you might need a really good resignation speech for super legit reasons. Maybe you’re leaving a partner. Maybe you’re quitting a job. Maybe you’re telling God to talk to his own damn kids, you’re not his messenger anymore. Whatever the reason, I think all of us can learn something from these fictional resignations, and apply them to our own lives.

6. For When You Don’t Want to Burn Bridges

Martha Jones, Doctor Who

This is one of those delightful examples of someone who manages to say something they really need to say without being too critical and with no one feeling attacked.

Have you ever felt the need to tell someone that their behavior makes you feel shitty, without blaming them? It’s super difficult.

“But seriously, no hard feelings.”

Sometimes you have to tell your boss that it hurts that he never comments on the quality of your work. Or you have to explain to your partner that the way she leaves toenail clippings on the bathroom floor means that you must leave her forever. Or you have to explain to your friends that by not reading your blog, they are slowly destroying your happiness.

The internet is a lonely place.

Martha Jones exemplifies the classiest way to do this without playing the blame game. She gives good, rational, professional reasons for her decision to leave, making it clear that the Doctor is not at fault. Then she comes back and says what’s been bugging her for over a year: she likes him, she knows he doesn’t like her, she has to protect herself emotionally. Notice she doesn’t ask if the Doctor likes her back. She doesn’t put any pressure on him. She doesn’t even explicitly state that he “never looked at her twice.” She avoids “you” words at all costs. Then she makes a gesture.

No, a gesture of goodwill.

She gives him a phone and says she’ll keep in touch. They end on a good note. She gets her big speech off her chest, he doesn’t have to awkwardly try to make her feel better or lie about his feelings. They stay friends, she gets over him. And that, folks, is how you manage to leave a bad situation and keep from burning bridges.

5. For When You Want to Burn Bridges

Lester Burnham, American Beauty

I don’t like to get too far outside of the realm of sci-fi/fantasy with this blog, but let’s face it, this is a fucking great speech. This is something every single one of us has wanted to do. Not just quit a shitty job, but quit a shitty job with relish.

I looked up “shitty job with relish” and I swear to God, this is what I found.

Not only does Lester look really satisfied through this entire exit interview, he’s typed up a description of sick fantasies and masturbation jokes, and then he mouths along while the guy reads it out loud. That is dedication to your craft right there.

Most of the time, you can never use a speech like this. Unless you won the lottery or you’re prepared for some messed up blackmail, you have to continue kissing ass long after you walk away from a potential reference. But if you are, as Lester so eloquently puts it, “an ordinary guy with nothing to lose,” use this speech.

And then videotape it and send me the link.

4. For When You Want to Come Back

Han Solo, Empire Strikes Back

Youtube does not believe I should show you this particular clip. Clearly it’s because the sheer sexiness of it would melt your eyeballs right out of your goddamn head (and that’s just when Han is talking to General Rieekan.) Here’s a run-down of the speech I mean*:

Han Motherfucking Solo approaches General Rieekan on the Hoth Base, while Leia stares covetously at him from the corner.

Rieekan: Old person noises about going outside.
Han Motherfucking Solo: General, I’ve got to leave, I can’t stay anymore.
Rieekantotes indifferent: I’m sorry to hear that.
Han Motherfucking Solo: I’ve got a price on my head, if I don’t pay off Jabba the Hutt, I’m a dead man.
Rieekan: A death mark’s not an easy thing to live w–oh, you’re not even paying attention to me anymore, you’re eye-fucking the only female within three hundred solar systems from across the room. Jealous.

Han Solo is already gone. He approaches the Ice Queen.

Han Motherfucking Solo: Well, I guess this is it.
Leia IceBitch Organa, coldly: That’s right.
Han Motherfucking Solo, not taking this shit: Well, don’t get all mushy on me, so long, princess.

“So long” was actually referring to something else

This is the greatest resignation speech ever given for two reasons: 1) There’s no bullshit and 2) It is just begging to be rejected. First of all, the professional resignation: he doesn’t beat around the bush, he doesn’t kiss Rieekan’s ass, he doesn’t get emotional. He just says he has to leave and he gives a really good reason for doing so, i.e. his imminent death.  When you’re not caught up in “oh, um, I really learned a lot and I loved working here and killing lots of people” you can hear that this guy doesn’t really want to leave. He may want to come back. You will always give that man back his job, because he’s a man and he just does what needs to be done, no bullshit required.

“I’m sorry, General, I have to go plow the crap out of that girl over there.”

Which leads us to the rest of it. This is the way to say goodbye to a girl if you really want her to chase you down and bring you back. Be distant. Out-aloof her. Say as little as possible. Then piss her off a little bit and add just enough irritation to show that you’re a little bothered by her indifference. Oh, but one thing: you have to be the hottest badass in the universe to pull that off, or she’ll probably just let you go.

[*Note: This dialogue is pulled directly from my memory. Instead of correcting it, just do what I do, and play Han Solo’s voice in your head. Now you don’t care.]

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Hottest Sci-Fi/Fantasy Couples

12 Mar

I learned something disturbing about myself while writing this. While some of my favorite couples in sci-fi and fantasy are based on affection and shared interests, the sexiest romances in my canon share two main traits: lust and violence. As we were all taught by romance novels and Wuthering Heights, the hottest couples are so conflicted that they’re always about two inches away from murder-fucking each other in the middle of a dinner party.

What, you thought it was just a chick flick period piece? Read the damn book.

So. There will be no soulful resonance in this list. No emotional safety. Certainly no romantic stares. Just two people who are designed to bone each other. Let’s see who they are.

*[Editor’s note: My top three picks change places depending on my mood, age, and how many times I’ve re-watched Buffy today. Keep it in mind.]

6. Jon Snow and Ygritte, A Song of Ice and Fire

“You think this is big?”

If your only experience with this medieval, sword-happy, incest-is-the-bestuous murderfest fantasy is the TV show Game of Thrones, then you probably don’t know what I’m talking about yet. You think that a sexy couple is Renly and Loras, or Dany and Khal Drogo or Littlefinger and the sound of his own voice.

Providing monologues over the sound of two women fucking since 2011.

You’re wrong, though. All of those relationships (especially the latter), are caught up, to some degree, in politics. In getting something out of the other person (gross.) Jon and Ygritte, though, have a fantastic chemistry outside the bounds of societal strictures that makes their coupling totally sexy. For Jon, it’s the forbidden. He can’t take a wife or sire children according to the vows he’s taken. For Ygritte, there’s the total freedom to do whatever the hell she likes. This amazing combustion of “Holy crap, no rules” and “Oh my god, this is so taboo” is what makes this couple so freaking sexy. There’s no thinking, reasoning, or scheming, just hormonal teenagers keeping warm the only way you can in the medieval equivalent of  glacial wastelands.

Which is basically Yukon Territory.

Best Moment: When she tries out her old “You know nothing, Jon Snow” catchphrase and then–bam–he introduces her to oral sex.

(I know it hasn’t happened in the show yet. Pick up a book every now and then, will ya?)

5. Malcolm Reynolds and Saffron, Firefly

Sometimes the special hell is worth it.

Malcolm Reynolds was a strong contender with several candidates for this slot. Everyone wants him to hook up with Inara (except for me, because I think they would make a terrible couple. More to come on that.) And he did have incredible sexy-time with the terrifying cat woman who looks like Angelina Jolie’s mom.

Porn music invariably starts up wherever she goes.

In the end, though, the best coupling involving Malcolm Reynolds is with Saffyobridge, the mysterious, psychotic con artist who goes from sweet and innocent to terrifying in less than a second. What’s great about this couple is that their sexual dynamic shifts as the show goes along, but no matter what, you always feel a resistance to them hooking up. It keeps the tension alive and kicking. First it’s because she’s so child-like, but then it’s because you’d rather have them fight than bang.

Or both. Both is good too.

Best Moment: The look on his face when she recites her wifely duties from the world’s greatest Bible.

4. The Doctor and Madame de Pompadour, Doctor Who

Ohhhh, yeahhhhh.

The problem with making Doctor Who as a serial television show is that, by his nature, the Doctor must always be alone. Sure, he has companions, but no one that sticks around longer than two or three seasons. He’s immortal and ever-changing and always in the process of leaving. They did a great job with the Rose storyline, but he had to really think about it and have a lot of conflicting feels, and there was nothing spontaneous or sexy about it because he never lets himself lose control.

Doctor: “That was a genetic transfer.”
Martha: “But you also grabbed my-“
Doctor: “GENETIC. TRANSFER.”

That’s why the episode “The Girl in the Fireplace” is so brilliant. Reinette is straightforward, collected, decisive and uncompromising. She sees the Doctor for the first time in years and does what anyone seeing David Tennant would do. She makes out with him. She gets behind his defenses and keeps him off-balance and smitten for the rest of the episode. He never gets the chance to act untouchable and god-like, or to set up barriers.

What does he have time to do? Slip her the tongue.

“Actually, I’m 945 years o–well, okay then.”

The brilliant chemistry between this couple packs a three-punch wallop: Steven Moffat’s brilliant writing, the French people’s inability to hear the word ‘no’ when it comes to dancing or sex, and the fact that David Tennant was totally plowing Sophia Myles at the time.

Best Moment: Scroll up half an inch. There it is.

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