Archive | May, 2013

Arrested Westeros

27 May

If you’re not watching the new season of Arrested Development and Game of Thrones, shame on you. If you are, why not experience them at the same time?

From the brilliant people here.

Arrested Westeros is the most genius tumblr of all time. It takes the dialogue from AD and puts it on images from GoT.

And I have made one of them.

Proudest day of my life.

Great TV Couples (Who Would Actually Be Terrible Together)

20 May

There are a lot of types of TV romances. Many of them are planned by the writers and producers as long, drawn-out, will-they-or-won’t-they, for-fuck’s-sake-just-kiss-her relationships that are meant to keep the audience watching and hoping.

God, and it works, too.

There’s usually no payout with these kind of couples, but what if there were? There’s a lot of drawn-out sexual tension out there in the televerse and I think that sometimes we forget that just because the writers want us to want a couple to get together doesn’t mean that they actually should.

So, let’s remind ourselves that sexual tension ≠ compatibility and take a look at our list. Some of these couples actually did happen, some of them still might and some of them just never got the chance, but none of them would have been good together. Let’s look at why.

6. Josh Lyman and Donna Moss, The West Wing

I take it back. I want them to be in love for always.

I’m so fucking in love with The West Wing. Mostly because it avoids the petty bullshit of drawn-out relationships and chooses to focus on the workplace and real life.

That all changed when the writers decided to start dropping hints that Josh and Donna were into each other. The tension lasted through the Bartlet administration without anyone making a move, despite the fact that there were no real obstacles in the way of them getting together.

Except this guy in Season 6. But seriously? Lucius Malfoy?

Why we think it would have been awesome: Because we know they really care about each other! It’s depressing how in real life most of our relationships start out as a base level attraction that we desperately pray contains something of substance. We always want to see friends fall in love, even if it’s weird in real life.

Why it shouldn’t have happened: Because it’s weird when friends fall in love in real life. Josh and Donna have an unequal relationship, power-wise. He yells her name and she comes running. Bad for foreplay, methinks. Also, when they did finally get together, it wasn’t cute anymore. We’d been waiting for seven fucking seasons for this, and a payout is never going to be worth it after that long.

Just like grad school!

Their likely future: He forgets himself and yells at her to do things for him all the time. She reminds him that she is way hotter than he is. She has an affair with someone 4 inches shorter than she is (as is the West Wing way) and he drinks himself to death at work while making grimly ironic expressions.

Perfect.

Who they should’ve been with: Josh should have been with Joey Lucas. That was fun. Donna should be with Ronald Reagan.

5. Merlin and Morgana, Merlin

The internet really wants this to happen, I guess.

For all of its focus on relationships, Merlin only rarely considers whether or not its main character might have consistent romantic or erotic feelings towards anyone. Sometimes the thought will occur for an episode and be gone the next time Merlin has to fuck himself over by indulging in needlessly complicated plots and the impulse to not confide in the right people.

One storyline that almost went somewhere was his possible attraction to Morgana. He brought her flowers once or twice and she…barely noticed him. She was too busy practicing her evil “secret” smile every time Uther turned his back.

Other people can still see you, Morgana.

Why we think it would have been awesome: They’re two extremely powerful sorcerers and they start out with similar issues and the problems of trying to cope with magical abilities in a society where such things are forbidden. It’d be kind of hot to see sexy magic times, even if it was just them battling it out and then making out.

Why it would have sucked: Morgana’s not much of a character, and Merlin’s interest in her seems both shallow and transitory. Also, she gets super evil really fast, and there’s just no empathizing with characters that make bipolar disorder look like the Monday Blues.

Their likely future: The relationship lasts only as long as it takes for them to run out of kinky ways to use their magic powers in bed.

Ohhhh yeahhhhh

Who they should’ve been with: Merlin should’ve ended up with the only person he cared about: Arthur. Seriously. And Morgana should’ve ended up with Elton John so they could have the whitest babies ever.

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Top 10 Episodes of Doctor Who

18 May

I’d like to start this off by saying that while Steven Moffat runs the board in this list, it’s an inherently biased article. I’m making this a list of great individual episodes, so gems like “Doomsday”, “Let’s Kill Hitler”  and “Journey’s End” don’t make the cut because they’re overarching plot episodes.

(Also, Moffat, while an amazingly talented episode writer, doesn’t, in my opinion, make the best head writer. Moffat is cerebral and insanely clever, but somewhat misogynistic and lacking a bit of heart.)

Oh, he wishes he had cheekbones like that.

10. Love and Monsters Season 2, Episode 10

Name: Elton Pope
Favorite Pastimes: Sidewalk Fucking

For the most part I’m trying to pick episodes that don’t have stupid, fat, oozing monsters. I’m just so impressed with this episode because of what it had to overcome. It stemmed from a contest where a nine-year-old boy designed the monster and made it look suspiciously like a Slitheen. It also has very little David Tennant, which normally makes me flip tables and tear out my hair.

Seasons 5 and 6 have been rough on me.

“Love and Monsters” is the story of people who interacted briefly with the Doctor, and whose lives were never the same. The Doctor made the world a bigger, more interesting place, but it also brought death and destruction into their lives, none more so than Elton Pope, a weird little weaselly dude who just wants to enjoy his life.

And, I cannot mention this enough, bone some pavement.

What makes this episode great, though, is that it focuses on the damage that is left behind as the Doctor goes flitting off on his next great adventure. Not everyone survives his visits, and those that do are often wounded, confused and lost. It’s like watching Gotham Police clean up after Batman.

Also, Elton is sweet and he tries hard. In the end, it doesn’t save his friends and it doesn’t save his mother, but it keeps him going. He’s not really naive; he can’t be after what he’s been through. But he’s not broken, either. There’s something indomitable about a spirit like that, especially knowing that he created it all by himself, without the Doctor’s help.

Oh, and did I mention the idea for Doctor-Lite episodes was inspired by Buffy’s “The Zeppo”? Win.

Best Moment: Finding out that the twin planet of  Raxacoricofallapatorius is Clom.

Best Line: Elton: “Turns out I’ve had the most terrible things happen. And the most brilliant things. And sometimes, well, I can’t tell the difference…You know, Stephen King said once, he said, “salvation and damnation are the same thing.” And I never knew what he meant. But I do now.”

9. The Shakespeare Code Season 3, Episode 2

Just don’t bother, Martha.

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Top 10 Episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

1 May

Just so you know: you’re going to disagree with this list. I’m rereading it right now and I already disagree with it. I know that the top 3 entries belong up there in some sort of order, but that’s it. The wonderful thing about Buffy the Vampire Slayer is that it’s a teen TV show about a girl that isn’t just for teens, or girls. Different episodes can speak to you in different ways at different times of your life.

Like reading Faulkner, but with less wanting to kill yourself.

Anyway, let’s get started with my poor decisions. I’m going to stick with stand-alone episodes for this list. I know that a lot of the season finales are phenomenal, but they’re the product of a season’s worth of buildup. These are ones that can blow you off your feet all by themselves.

[Warning: There are major spoilers below of a show that ended ten years ago. The warning is that you are seriously out of touch with pop culture. Fix that by watching these episodes.]

10. Earshot (Season 3, Episode 18)

“How am I supposed to commit suicide with a gun that’s longer than I am tall?”

There are so many great episodes that this entry was almost a 3-way tie alongside “Tabula Rasa” and “Something Blue” because they’re all funny, mix-it-up episodes with an underlying sadness to them. I went with “Earshot” because it revealed the most about character while still giving the show a good shake.

In “Earshot”, Buffy becomes magically endowed with the ability to hear others’ thoughts, which quickly turns out to be more of a hindrance than an advantage. This episode gave us our first dramatic look at Jonathan, who had previously been used, not even as comic relief, but as a backdrop. It reminded us that other people are starring in the brilliant epic that is their own life, and maybe you should pay attention to that sometimes.

Especially when he suddenly stars in the epic that is your life.

Really, though, I just love this episode for the funny moments of insight into others’ minds. We learn that Xander does math badly to keep from thinking about sex, Oz is the embodiment of Hemingway’s iceberg theory, Cordelia says the first thing that drifts through the vacuum of her cranium, and Angel literally has no thoughts (or they just “make no reflection in your mind”, as though that should mean something.)

Wait. A vampire who’s immune to mind-reading? Didn’t they steal that from Twilight?

Best Line:  Oz: [Thinking] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist.
[Out loud]: Hm.

Best Moment: Buffy mentions that she knows that Giles and her mother had sex and Anthony Stewart Head uses this opportunity to walk into a tree.

9. Intervention (Season 5, Episode 18)

The episode that called into question exactly how much silicone makes up SMG’s genetic structure.

Season 5 is all about growing up and while it’s still witty, there are far fewer fun and funny episodes in this season than in others. It’s sort of a downer when the main character loses her lover, finds her mother dead on the couch, gets her ass kicked every time she meets the Big Bad and gets saddled with the world’s worst genetic bag of hormones.

No, Dawn. You know what? You get out.

And then “Intervention” comes along. And it’s classic, oh-shit-topsy-turvy-let’s-make-Spike-and-Buffy-kiss magic and fun. Spike gets a Buffybot for lascivious purposes, but everyone mistakes it for the real Buffy. Hilarity ensues. And then it ends on a surprisingly serious (and astoundingly tender) note. I actually enjoy watching Sarah Michelle Geller in this episode.

Gee, I wonder why.

Spike is easily the most interesting character in this show, because he is victim to some really contradictory feelings. There is nothing more wonderful than seeing him be gentle and loving. When Buffy rebuffs him (leave that pun alone and I will too and we’ll just keep soldiering on here), it’s funny. When she responds with enthusiasm, it’s hot. When she’s touched by his loyalty and kisses him for real for the first time in the show, it melts your soul a little bit.

Aww, his heart is just as tenderized as his face!

Best Moment: Probably a tie between Spike convincing the minions that Bob Barker is The Key and getting to see post-coital Spike with mussed-up hair (I’m a fangirl, shut up, I squee sometimes.)

Best Line: Xander: No one is judging you. It’s understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike! But I’m starting to think that you might be.

8. Chosen (Season 7, Finale)

“Buffy, weren’t you gut-stabbed like, an hour ago?”
“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

I said I wasn’t going to include finales, but I lied. I have to talk about this episode. I loved “The Gift”, which was a great way to end Season 5, but deep down I always had a problem with the heroic sacrifice. Although Buffy chose to give her life for the cause, she always had to play the game that other people forced upon her. She was forced to be a Slayer, she was forced to take in Dawn, she was forced to kill. She chose to die, but she had limited options there.

“Chosen” changed all that. It’s the most feminist episode I’ve ever seen. It’s about a woman who flies in the face of every patriarchal tradition, empowers a bunch of women, defeats evil, and then is free to do whatever the fuck she feels like.

Sadly, not this anymore.

It also has Nathan Fillion as the world’s creepiest preacher, Angel showing up and being shut down, Willow finally embracing the sacred side of magic, Spike’s heroic sacrifice and the brutal slaying of an established character. What more could you ask for?

Nope, sorry. She never comes back. Give it up already.

Best Line: Spike: Most people don’t use their tongue to say hello. Or, I guess they do, but…

Best Moment: The “Welcome to Sunnydale” sign falls into the gaping pit that was once the thriving, demon-infested town. The sun is bright. Everything is still. The cluster of survivors survey the remains of their city uncertainly. Dawn turns to her sister. “Buffy…What are we gonna do now?” The camera pans in on Buffy as a slow realization sinks in. She smiles.

END OF THE FUCKING SERIES, HOLY SHIT, JOSS WHEDON Continue reading