Great TV Couples (Who Would Actually Be Terrible Together)

There are a lot of types of TV romances. Many of them are planned by the writers and producers as long, drawn-out, will-they-or-won’t-they, for-fuck’s-sake-just-kiss-her relationships that are meant to keep the audience watching and hoping.

God, and it works, too.

There’s usually no payout with these kind of couples, but what if there were? There’s a lot of drawn-out sexual tension out there in the televerse and I think that sometimes we forget that just because the writers want us to want a couple to get together doesn’t mean that they actually should.

So, let’s remind ourselves that sexual tension ≠ compatibility and take a look at our list. Some of these couples actually did happen, some of them still might and some of them just never got the chance, but none of them would have been good together. Let’s look at why.

6. Josh Lyman and Donna Moss, The West Wing

I take it back. I want them to be in love for always.

I’m so fucking in love with The West Wing. Mostly because it avoids the petty bullshit of drawn-out relationships and chooses to focus on the workplace and real life.

That all changed when the writers decided to start dropping hints that Josh and Donna were into each other. The tension lasted through the Bartlet administration without anyone making a move, despite the fact that there were no real obstacles in the way of them getting together.

Except this guy in Season 6. But seriously? Lucius Malfoy?

Why we think it would have been awesome: Because we know they really care about each other! It’s depressing how in real life most of our relationships start out as a base level attraction that we desperately pray contains something of substance. We always want to see friends fall in love, even if it’s weird in real life.

Why it shouldn’t have happened: Because it’s weird when friends fall in love in real life. Josh and Donna have an unequal relationship, power-wise. He yells her name and she comes running. Bad for foreplay, methinks. Also, when they did finally get together, it wasn’t cute anymore. We’d been waiting for seven fucking seasons for this, and a payout is never going to be worth it after that long.

Just like grad school!

Their likely future: He forgets himself and yells at her to do things for him all the time. She reminds him that she is way hotter than he is. She has an affair with someone 4 inches shorter than she is (as is the West Wing way) and he drinks himself to death at work while making grimly ironic expressions.

Perfect.

Who they should’ve been with: Josh should have been with Joey Lucas. That was fun. Donna should be with Ronald Reagan.

5. Merlin and Morgana, Merlin

The internet really wants this to happen, I guess.

For all of its focus on relationships, Merlin only rarely considers whether or not its main character might have consistent romantic or erotic feelings towards anyone. Sometimes the thought will occur for an episode and be gone the next time Merlin has to fuck himself over by indulging in needlessly complicated plots and the impulse to not confide in the right people.

One storyline that almost went somewhere was his possible attraction to Morgana. He brought her flowers once or twice and she…barely noticed him. She was too busy practicing her evil “secret” smile every time Uther turned his back.

Other people can still see you, Morgana.

Why we think it would have been awesome: They’re two extremely powerful sorcerers and they start out with similar issues and the problems of trying to cope with magical abilities in a society where such things are forbidden. It’d be kind of hot to see sexy magic times, even if it was just them battling it out and then making out.

Why it would have sucked: Morgana’s not much of a character, and Merlin’s interest in her seems both shallow and transitory. Also, she gets super evil really fast, and there’s just no empathizing with characters that make bipolar disorder look like the Monday Blues.

Their likely future: The relationship lasts only as long as it takes for them to run out of kinky ways to use their magic powers in bed.

Ohhhh yeahhhhh

Who they should’ve been with: Merlin should’ve ended up with the only person he cared about: Arthur. Seriously. And Morgana should’ve ended up with Elton John so they could have the whitest babies ever.

Top 10 Episodes of Doctor Who

I’d like to start this off by saying that while Steven Moffat runs the board in this list, it’s an inherently biased article. I’m making this a list of great individual episodes, so gems like “Doomsday”, “Let’s Kill Hitler”  and “Journey’s End” don’t make the cut because they’re overarching plot episodes.

(Also, Moffat, while an amazingly talented episode writer, doesn’t, in my opinion, make the best head writer. Moffat is cerebral and insanely clever, but somewhat misogynistic and lacking a bit of heart.)

Oh, he wishes he had cheekbones like that.

10. Love and Monsters Season 2, Episode 10

Name: Elton Pope
Favorite Pastimes: Sidewalk Fucking

For the most part I’m trying to pick episodes that don’t have stupid, fat, oozing monsters. I’m just so impressed with this episode because of what it had to overcome. It stemmed from a contest where a nine-year-old boy designed the monster and made it look suspiciously like a Slitheen. It also has very little David Tennant, which normally makes me flip tables and tear out my hair.

Seasons 5 and 6 have been rough on me.

“Love and Monsters” is the story of people who interacted briefly with the Doctor, and whose lives were never the same. The Doctor made the world a bigger, more interesting place, but it also brought death and destruction into their lives, none more so than Elton Pope, a weird little weaselly dude who just wants to enjoy his life.

And, I cannot mention this enough, bone some pavement.

What makes this episode great, though, is that it focuses on the damage that is left behind as the Doctor goes flitting off on his next great adventure. Not everyone survives his visits, and those that do are often wounded, confused and lost. It’s like watching Gotham Police clean up after Batman.

Also, Elton is sweet and he tries hard. In the end, it doesn’t save his friends and it doesn’t save his mother, but it keeps him going. He’s not really naive; he can’t be after what he’s been through. But he’s not broken, either. There’s something indomitable about a spirit like that, especially knowing that he created it all by himself, without the Doctor’s help.

Oh, and did I mention the idea for Doctor-Lite episodes was inspired by Buffy’s “The Zeppo”? Win.

Best Moment: Finding out that the twin planet of  Raxacoricofallapatorius is Clom.

Best Line: Elton: “Turns out I’ve had the most terrible things happen. And the most brilliant things. And sometimes, well, I can’t tell the difference…You know, Stephen King said once, he said, “salvation and damnation are the same thing.” And I never knew what he meant. But I do now.”

9. The Shakespeare Code Season 3, Episode 2

Just don’t bother, Martha.

The Shakespeare code is about the witches from Macbeth Rexel 4 using Shakespeare’s “new words” to cut open the fabric of whatever so they can go home. It is also about how Martha Jones manages to get jealous of Rose and pissy that the Doctor won’t do her after knowing him exactly one day.

Any Shakespeare Whovians out there? If so, you all know why I adore this episode. It’s one long, running in-joke for those of us who love filthy plays as much as we love family-oriented syfy and David Tennant.

And when you put them together…

This episode has everything fun about the Doctor that makes the show a blast to watch without getting too heavy. There’s a nice moment of sadness for Rose to remind us that the Doctor carries some serious shit around with him, but for the most part it’s just innuendos about Shakespeare’s sexuality, callbacks to the Sycorax at the beginning of Season 2, references to the mysterious “Dark Lady” and a nice plot point centered around “Love’s Labour’s Won”.

Also, bald jokes!

There is nothing about this episode that isn’t heavily researched and joyfully implied. The fact that it’s all about the power of words is great. The addition of Queen Elizabeth trying to kill the Doctor is just an added  bonus.

Best Moment: The Doctor creating an ontological paradox by constantly quoting Shakespeare to Shakespeare. But then he quotes Dylan and plagiarism gets involved.

Best Line: Martha Jones: “It’s like in those films: if you step on a butterfly, you change the future of the human race.”
The Doctor: “Then don’t step on any butterflies. What have butterflies ever done to you?”

8. Turn Left Season 4, Episode 11

Turn Left is basically “It’s a Wonderful Life” if it was supposed to end in suicide. An unusual twist, to be sure, but one that I often advocate in the case of Donna Noble.

In “Turn Left,” Donna is sent back in time and chooses not to take a temp job. She never gets engaged, never meets the Doctor and never saves his life. She must then deal with the effects of a world where the Doctor is dead and all the things he fixed never worked out.

Which means the world was robbed of this.

Turn Left is great because it shows us the power of one small choice, and the way that everyday decisions shape one’s life. It also reminds us that even though the Doctor rarely succeeds at saving everyone, without him the world would descend into chaos. Mostly Britain, since all paranormal activity apparently happens in England.

“I know every event that will happen in the past or future on any planet…except, apparently, what will go down in London, 2006.”

I’m surprised at how much I like an episode with no David Tennant and a lot of Donna Noble. I think the best part of it is the idea that the Doctor is not unique, that he creates more of himself in other people. This episode features a brilliant Doctor in the form of Rose Tyler.

Having learned that she has a face under all that makeup, Rose proves herself to be a confident, resourceful and empathetic leader. She is firm and compassionate with Donna and by god, she fixes everything and saves the universe.

All is right with the world!

This is the epitome of the Doctor and Donna’s dynamic. Together they ask the question of “what if”? The Doctor leaves death wherever he goes and Donna calls him on that. But without her he couldn’t go on, and without him the dead would be even more numerous.

Best Moment: Anything with Wilfred making the best of a bad situation. (Of course, he must be used to that, since he lives with his daughter, Satan.)

Best Line: Rose: “I’m sorry.”

Top 10 Episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Just so you know: you’re going to disagree with this list. I’m rereading it right now and I already disagree with it. I know that the top 3 entries belong up there in some sort of order, but that’s it. The wonderful thing about Buffy the Vampire Slayer is that it’s a teen TV show about a girl that isn’t just for teens, or girls. Different episodes can speak to you in different ways at different times of your life.

Like reading Faulkner, but with less wanting to kill yourself.

Anyway, let’s get started with my poor decisions. I’m going to stick with stand-alone episodes for this list. I know that a lot of the season finales are phenomenal, but they’re the product of a season’s worth of buildup. These are ones that can blow you off your feet all by themselves.

[Warning: There are major spoilers below of a show that ended ten years ago. The warning is that you are seriously out of touch with pop culture. Fix that by watching these episodes.]

10. Earshot (Season 3, Episode 18)

“How am I supposed to commit suicide with a gun that’s longer than I am tall?”

There are so many great episodes that this entry was almost a 3-way tie alongside “Tabula Rasa” and “Something Blue” because they’re all funny, mix-it-up episodes with an underlying sadness to them. I went with “Earshot” because it revealed the most about character while still giving the show a good shake.

In “Earshot”, Buffy becomes magically endowed with the ability to hear others’ thoughts, which quickly turns out to be more of a hindrance than an advantage. This episode gave us our first dramatic look at Jonathan, who had previously been used, not even as comic relief, but as a backdrop. It reminded us that other people are starring in the brilliant epic that is their own life, and maybe you should pay attention to that sometimes.

Especially when he suddenly stars in the epic that is your life.

Really, though, I just love this episode for the funny moments of insight into others’ minds. We learn that Xander does math badly to keep from thinking about sex, Oz is the embodiment of Hemingway’s iceberg theory, Cordelia says the first thing that drifts through the vacuum of her cranium, and Angel literally has no thoughts (or they just “make no reflection in your mind”, as though that should mean something.)

Wait. A vampire who’s immune to mind-reading? Didn’t they steal that from Twilight?

Best Line:  Oz: [Thinking] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist.
[Out loud]: Hm.

Best Moment: Buffy mentions that she knows that Giles and her mother had sex and Anthony Stewart Head uses this opportunity to walk into a tree.

9. Intervention (Season 5, Episode 18)

The episode that called into question exactly how much silicone makes up SMG’s genetic structure.

Season 5 is all about growing up and while it’s still witty, there are far fewer fun and funny episodes in this season than in others. It’s sort of a downer when the main character loses her lover, finds her mother dead on the couch, gets her ass kicked every time she meets the Big Bad and gets saddled with the world’s worst genetic bag of hormones.

No, Dawn. You know what? You get out.

And then “Intervention” comes along. And it’s classic, oh-shit-topsy-turvy-let’s-make-Spike-and-Buffy-kiss magic and fun. Spike gets a Buffybot for lascivious purposes, but everyone mistakes it for the real Buffy. Hilarity ensues. And then it ends on a surprisingly serious (and astoundingly tender) note. I actually enjoy watching Sarah Michelle Geller in this episode.

Gee, I wonder why.

Spike is easily the most interesting character in this show, because he is victim to some really contradictory feelings. There is nothing more wonderful than seeing him be gentle and loving. When Buffy rebuffs him (leave that pun alone and I will too and we’ll just keep soldiering on here), it’s funny. When she responds with enthusiasm, it’s hot. When she’s touched by his loyalty and kisses him for real for the first time in the show, it melts your soul a little bit.

Aww, his heart is just as tenderized as his face!

Best Moment: Probably a tie between Spike convincing the minions that Bob Barker is The Key and getting to see post-coital Spike with mussed-up hair (I’m a fangirl, shut up, I squee sometimes.)

Best Line: Xander: No one is judging you. It’s understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike! But I’m starting to think that you might be.

8. Chosen (Season 7, Finale)

“Buffy, weren’t you gut-stabbed like, an hour ago?”
“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

I said I wasn’t going to include finales, but I lied. I have to talk about this episode. I loved “The Gift”, which was a great way to end Season 5, but deep down I always had a problem with the heroic sacrifice. Although Buffy chose to give her life for the cause, she always had to play the game that other people forced upon her. She was forced to be a Slayer, she was forced to take in Dawn, she was forced to kill. She chose to die, but she had limited options there.

“Chosen” changed all that. It’s the most feminist episode I’ve ever seen. It’s about a woman who flies in the face of every patriarchal tradition, empowers a bunch of women, defeats evil, and then is free to do whatever the fuck she feels like.

Sadly, not this anymore.

It also has Nathan Fillion as the world’s creepiest preacher, Angel showing up and being shut down, Willow finally embracing the sacred side of magic, Spike’s heroic sacrifice and the brutal slaying of an established character. What more could you ask for?

Nope, sorry. She never comes back. Give it up already.

Best Line: Spike: Most people don’t use their tongue to say hello. Or, I guess they do, but…

Best Moment: The “Welcome to Sunnydale” sign falls into the gaping pit that was once the thriving, demon-infested town. The sun is bright. Everything is still. The cluster of survivors survey the remains of their city uncertainly. Dawn turns to her sister. “Buffy…What are we gonna do now?” The camera pans in on Buffy as a slow realization sinks in. She smiles.

END OF THE FUCKING SERIES, HOLY SHIT, JOSS WHEDON

Top 10 Creepiest Sci-Fi/Fantasy Villains

Please note that this is not a list of the BEST villains in Scifi/Fantasy, just the creepiest. These are the insidious shadows and barely-suppressed manic grins that make your skin crawl. What’s really surprising about this list is how many of these are from network television shows, and how they’re way scarier than most horror films.

 

10. The Hitchiker, The Twilight Zone

And then he asked for spare change. The horror!

For those of you who are too young/uninformed to know what this entry is but still hate M. Night Shyamalan, I have good news: The Twilight Zone made a metric fuckton of scary (for the ’60s) TV episodes that outtwisted M. Night way before his movies even got terrible. One of my personal favorites is “The Hitchhiker,” the story of a woman who keeps seeing the same creepy homeless man no matter where she drives. Naturally she has to drive on the most deserted roads and of course she has to stop and get out of her car at several points, because this was back when we all wanted our cars to use a tank of gas over the course of five miles or so.

Twilight Zone: Brought to you by Ford.

What makes it creepy: Society and its multitudinous civilians have given us the impression that we’re always safe, that help is never that far away. This episode shrinks that feeling of safety down to two areas: 1) The inside of an otherwise empty car and 2) Moving. If you don’t have both those things, you’re suddenly not safe. Don’t drive at night after this episode.

 

9.The Puppetmaster/Bloodbenders, Avatar: The Last Airbender

Everyone’s favorite grandmother

“The Puppetmaster” was just about the creepiest episode of children’s television I’ve ever seen. It happens in Season 3, around the time the writers realized that if Katara could “bend” her own sweat, she could probably do it to other bodily fluids as well. So did they depict her stopping a hemorrhage? Blowing awesome snot rockets? Introducing the most creative form of birth control ever?

NO. They gave us a creepy-ass old woman who could literally control people by bending their blood.

What makes it creepy: She can control people by bending their blood. Also, it looks really painful. Or maybe arousing?

Guess where she sent all the blood in this picture?

 

8. Hands of Blue, Firefly

Stopped being a proctologist after all the “Hands of Brown” jokes

I don’t know what these men are technically called. I’d prefer they stay nameless, but we’ll call them the fanon-deemed “Hands of Blue” for clarity’s sake, which is better than “Blue Myself  Twice”

Not the same.

Firefly was cancelled much too young, but one good thing that came out of that was never knowing what these guys really wanted. Having them stalk our heroes through the episode “Ariel” and killing their own men while River freaked out was confusing enough to be really, really creepy. It’s all based on knowing the victim’s reaction rather than the villain’s motivation, so you never know what will happen next.

What makes them creepy: They seem to be immune to their own weapon. Unlike Men in Black, when they set off their flashy-thingy, they wear no protective gear. They look like humans, they wear no armor, but they’re curiously emotionless as everyone around them pukes blood out of every orifice.

 

7. The Pale Man, Pan’s Labyrinth

“The fuck?”

Pan’s Labyrinth took fantasy and mythology and made it insidious and terrifying. All of it reflected the horror of the real world happening outside of Ofelia’s addled little mind. Nothing was creepier than the Pale Man, an emaciated creature that sat and starved at a feast, the only thing on its plate being its own eyes. It mirrored Ofelia’s stepfather, who kept an abundance of food locked in a barn, waiting for people to try and take it so that he could kill them.

What makes it creepy: 

Exhibits A – M

Enough. Fucking. Said.

 

6. Vasha Nerada, Doctor Who

The most primal of fears.

The “Silence in the Library” and “Forest of the Damned”, Steven Moffat’s two-parter mindfuck really dug into the most basic human fear: the fear of the dark. The Vasha Nerada are sentient shadows that latch onto a host and strip them of their flesh. You never know which shadow might have an aerosol piranha in it, and you never see it coming. You just look down and suddenly you have two shadows. And then you know you’re dead.

What makes it creepy: I always thought I was afraid of things that might be hiding in the dark. Now I’m afraid of the dark itself.

 

5. GLaDOS, Portal

“Cake followed by light bondage?”

Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System (GLaDOS) is creepy the same was HAL is creepy in 2001: A Space Odyssey. It’s terrifying to imagine our robotic creations trying to murder the tits out of us. What GLaDOS has on HAL is the format of Portal itself. You think you’re just playing a typical puzzle game and she’s the annoying Navi telling you what to do. It’s helpful, but bland, and she even has the cool, neutral robotic voice.

Then she starts slipping in little things that make you wonder, like “Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.” Then you start seeing stuff like this:

The brilliant idea that was ruined by a thousand memes.

Then she starts trying to kill you.

What makes it creepy:  The fact that since it’s a video game and not a movie, you have to play her psychotic little game. It’s like the difference between taking a roller coaster ride in a haunted house and walking through one on your own two feet.

Rating Buffy Villains (From Worst to Best)

I can’t cover every Buffy bad guy in this post, and I won’t try. There are approximately a bajillion villains, including, at one point or another, every single good guy in the whole freaking show.

What,

You

Think

I’m

Kidding?

So we can’t rate all of them, although that would be fun. For the sake of brevity, we will be focusing on the Big Bads from each season. You may have noticed that all of the seasons (with the exceptions of Season 1 and Season 7) have two different Big Bads: an expected one and a “twist” that puts a personal spin on things. The combination as well as the overall value will be factored in here. Let’s start with the crap:

7. Adam/The Initiative

But mostly this guy

It’s almost too easy to put this in last place. Aside from “Hush” and “Who Are You” there is hardly a single good thing about Season 4. Riley Finn, losing Oz, Riley Finn, Giles being irrelevant, neutered Spike, Riley Finn and Riley Finn are some major problems, but mostly it suffers from a relevant bad guy. The Initiative starts out as the villain in question. It’s a shady organization that reeks of government conspiracy that plays Frankenstein with demon body parts and inexplicably monitors its own soldiers’ bedrooms.

“I like to watch Riley having sex because of reasons.”

While it’s kind of interesting to imagine how the government would deal with a world of demons, mostly this breaks the line that the show was riding between camp and fantasy. It’s fantastical to believe in a world where demons are everywhere and no one notices.  It’s camp to acknowledge that people are being oblivious to something so obvious. It’s neither to suddenly involve the freaking CIA. The idea kind of falls short, because once the Initiative is shut down, the government goes back to pretending demons don’t exist, and we go back to the old format.

Mission accomplished!

And then there’s Adam, the true Big Bad, who has no bearing on Buffy’s life at all. They hardly ever interact, he reveals nothing about important characters, and he looks like he’s covered in tapioca pudding.

Also, remember his built-in floppy disk drive? Weren’t the ’90s adorable?

There’s no build-up with Adam either. He’s introduced with potential for some really fucked up Oedipal shit, but the first thing he does is murder Maggie Walsh and spend the rest of the season in the sewers. Not interesting, not relevant, and I don’t care if you’re referencing Mary Shelley. This didn’t belong.

6. The Master I’m not really sure why the Master is so low on this list. Frankly, there’s nothing wrong with him.

Except that pesky fruit punch mouth.

The Master is just the typical vampire villain. Creepy, gothic, inhuman and bat-like. He’s there to create the standard so that Joss could then break the rules and have fun with the tropes. But that doesn’t make the Master any more interesting. There’s no history to delve into, no humanity to explore. He kills minions who fail, he puts stake in the prophecy, he lisps over those fake fangs, yada yada yada. Let’s face it, we all skip this season anyway except for the episode “Angel.”

Because who doesn’t like watching a little statutory rape on network television?

5. The Trio/Dark Willow Let me start this one out by saying that I’m pretty torn on my stance when it comes to Dark Willow. On one hand, I like to see actors and characters given the chance to expand and to break out from their traditional roles. Joss is great at not letting anyone stagnate. That said, I think he was a bit off with this one.

Like when she suddenly started Palpatining all over the place.

The only point of making a character go bad is to show a compelling and even sympathetic reason for them doing so. So the writers killed Tara. And that felt like a cheap shot. It felt like they did it so they could let Willow go crazy. Willow had a great, subtle arc, going from a geeky spaz with no self-esteem to a brilliant, talented witch who was coming to terms with her sexuality. Then suddenly she was a soulless lightning wizard out to murder her friends. And the world.

The problem is that Willow already went crazy over Tara in Season 5, but in a believable way. It showed her power, recklessness, poor judgment and vindictive side without taking away her humanity. Season 6 took away the audience’s ability to empathize with her.

Which reminds of the most forgettable bad guy in this series, along the same theme.

Terrifying.

The Trio also attempted to remind the audience that demons are not the only sources of evil in the world. Human beings are evil all the time, for profit or glory or because they’re rapist dickbags. The Trio was a brave attempt at showing that. And I can certainly see why they went with Warren, who created sex slaves, lied to his girlfriend about it and always tried to get out of blame. But Jonathan? Really? Didn’t Buffy save him from suicide, causing him to recognize her contributions and choose to award her at prom in one of the sweetest scenes in the whole show?

“Nah.”

Even apart from all that, it’s insulting how Buffy could fight a god in the previous season and fail so miserably against three nerds. Pathetic.

4. The First I like the First. I do. A nameless, faceless nonentity that is the root of all evil and can take on the form of any dead person? That’s just brilliant.

And TWO Buffys? AHHHHHH!!!!

This was a great bad guy to go out on. It was desperate, it was heroic, and it created the most brilliant series finale I’ve ever seen. The bad guy was rooted in mythology and tradition and deep, primal fear, so of course Buffy had to take all of that history and completely fuck with it in order to beat the baddy. That was awesome. The only reason it’s low on the list is that it’s straightforward. And if I can’t deconstruct it, it’s going to be a middle list entry.

Worst Sci-Fi Fantasy Couples

All right, we’ have the best sci-fi/fantasy couples, as well as the sexiest pairings known to televised censorship. What, though, about the worst couples? I don’t mean the couples that are purposely bad, or the couples that get together just to keep the True Love Pair from actually hooking up.

Their love was so misunderstood.

No, rather than talking about the Rose-and-Mickeys of the romance world, I want to talk about the worst couples that the producers and writers force-feed you. The ones that, for inexplicable reasons, you’re supposed to like and support. The people that are terrible but are pushed together through contrived banter and nonexistent chemistry, and that leave no satisfaction afterwards.

The McDonald’s of romantic decisions, essentially.

[*Editor's note: This list contains neither "Bella and Edward" nor "Bella and Jacob". Nor even "Edward and Jacob." Yes, there is evidence that the author wanted any and/or all of those pairings to be viewed favorably. No, I don't care.]

7. Westley and Buttercup, The Princess Bride

“This is true love. You think this happens everyday?”
“I sure hope not.”

It’s a wrench including this couple, it really is. But I have to, because for years when I thought of “true love” I thought of Westley and Buttercup: she waits for him loyally, he fights his way home to find her, they cover insurmountable odds and live happily ever after (except for the whole him losing 50 years of his life to Count Rugen. So I guess they live happily for like, five minutes.)

“I turned it up to eleven.”

Okay, but let’s talk for real about this couple. It starts out with Buttercup ordering him around like her little bitch. He always responds with “As you wish” which is code for “I love you” (hopefully not in a romantic way, otherwise the grandpa at the end of the story is going to jail.)

So what, either he gets off on being dominated or it’s just because she’s hot? Fine. Whatever. They fall in love. She learns to say please. Everyone grows as a person.

Then he leaves and apparently dies. She loses her shit and shuts down completely. But he’s not dead! He’s off becoming a pirate! Not just a slave to a pirate, but a head honcho pirate. He becomes the Dread Pirate Roberts and does piratey things! Like having a parrot, wearing a mask, plundering gold…oh, and probably raping and murdering. How attractive.

So does he send word to let his beloved know he’s alive? Nah. He waits five years to see if she’ll remarry. Then he kidnaps her, threatens to backhand her for lying, and taunts her about her fiance.

Also, that ponytail. God, that ponytail.

Let’s face it. Buttercup is useless (can’t even fight off an R.O.U.S, for fuck’s sake) and Westley is a douche.

My apologies for the destruction I just wrought on your childhood.

6. Willow and Kennedy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Kennedy, the only reason to open your mouth is that pierced tongue.

Sadly not the worst relationship to happen in the Buffyverse, Willow and Kennedy are still difficult for me to handle, mostly because Willow was the best thing to happen to relationships since crotchless panties.

Go ahead and imagine the two together. I’ll wait.

Willow was the first person in the series (including Giles, the grownup) to have a stable, committed relationship that wasn’t all about drama. She and Oz had a quiet, realistic coupling that still managed to be sweet and endearing and wonderful. Then they got rid of him, so he could go make shitty movies.

“No, I’ve made good life decisions.”

Then she slowly fell for Tara, a sweet, deep, mystical girl without a violent bone in her body. It was amazingly tender and thoroughly erotic. And then they got rid of Tara.

Enter Kennedy. Whiny, obnoxious, self-absorbed and spoiled, she was unapologetic about her egotism and completely wrong for Willow. They had nothing in common except that they were both lesbians, and Kennedy neither understood nor sought to learn about Tara or what made Willow tick. I was sad to see Willow end the series on that note. I would have preferred almost any other pairing.

YES.

5. Saul Tigh and Caprica Six, Battlestar Galactica

“I got an eye patch. Bitches love eye patches.”

There’s actually not much to say about this couple, since it was getting toward the end of BSG’s decent episodes and descending right into the chewy nougat center of their weird religiosity and bizarre hallucinations. Basically, Saul Tigh bones Caprica Six which, if you look at the two of them, proves that this is, indeed, a fantasy story. She gets preggers and there’s a lot of fuss about their child being the destined Cylon/human hybrid. Then the baby dies. Then it turns out it wasn’t even actually a hybrid, because of lazy writing.

“Shit, I was supposed to plan this?”

I can’t even talk about how stupid this couple is. Tigh is a decorated war hero who has every reason to hate the Cylons. Caprica Six is in love with Baltar and possibly her own clone, and who gives a shit if they have a kid? It’s a stupid plot point, it’s a lie to the characters, and it only seeks to tear jerk where the well is completely dry.

The same is probably true for Tigh’s well, if you know what I mean.

4. Merlin and Gwen, Merlin

The BBC show Merlin is not an especially feminist text. By that I mean that every female character is either mindlessly evil or blandly, one-dimensionally good. Sadly, no character is flatter than Guinevere.

Not literally.

Gwen loves everyone in the show, and I mean everyone. Arthur, Lancelot and yes, even Merlin. For a while in Season 1, the writers apparently thought it would be great to hint at a romance between the woman destined to be Queen of Camelot and the weird little wizard boy who looks like the bastard son of Chris Eccleston’s ears.

Dumbo may also have been involved.

Anyway, there’s a lot of awkward intimations and Merlin remaining staunchly asexual throughout Gwen’s fumbling hints at attraction. The whole thing is frankly embarrassing, and not worth the halfhearted effort the show made trying to get us to care.

The 6 Best Resignation Speeches (from Famous Characters)

So, the Pope resigned.

Ratzinger (as he may rightly be referred to now), voluntarily gave up the power over the entire Catholic church and whatever Babelfish he’d stuck in his ear that could translate the direct commands of God.

“Hey, I know one thing you guys should probably stop doing.”

This got me thinking about all the times when you might need a really good resignation speech for super legit reasons. Maybe you’re leaving a partner. Maybe you’re quitting a job. Maybe you’re telling God to talk to his own damn kids, you’re not his messenger anymore. Whatever the reason, I think all of us can learn something from these fictional resignations, and apply them to our own lives.

6. For When You Don’t Want to Burn Bridges

Martha Jones, Doctor Who

This is one of those delightful examples of someone who manages to say something they really need to say without being too critical and with no one feeling attacked.

Have you ever felt the need to tell someone that their behavior makes you feel shitty, without blaming them? It’s super difficult.

“But seriously, no hard feelings.”

Sometimes you have to tell your boss that it hurts that he never comments on the quality of your work. Or you have to explain to your partner that the way she leaves toenail clippings on the bathroom floor means that you must leave her forever. Or you have to explain to your friends that by not reading your blog, they are slowly destroying your happiness.

The internet is a lonely place.

Martha Jones exemplifies the classiest way to do this without playing the blame game. She gives good, rational, professional reasons for her decision to leave, making it clear that the Doctor is not at fault. Then she comes back and says what’s been bugging her for over a year: she likes him, she knows he doesn’t like her, she has to protect herself emotionally. Notice she doesn’t ask if the Doctor likes her back. She doesn’t put any pressure on him. She doesn’t even explicitly state that he “never looked at her twice.” She avoids “you” words at all costs. Then she makes a gesture.

No, a gesture of goodwill.

She gives him a phone and says she’ll keep in touch. They end on a good note. She gets her big speech off her chest, he doesn’t have to awkwardly try to make her feel better or lie about his feelings. They stay friends, she gets over him. And that, folks, is how you manage to leave a bad situation and keep from burning bridges.

5. For When You Want to Burn Bridges

Lester Burnham, American Beauty

I don’t like to get too far outside of the realm of sci-fi/fantasy with this blog, but let’s face it, this is a fucking great speech. This is something every single one of us has wanted to do. Not just quit a shitty job, but quit a shitty job with relish.

I looked up “shitty job with relish” and I swear to God, this is what I found.

Not only does Lester look really satisfied through this entire exit interview, he’s typed up a description of sick fantasies and masturbation jokes, and then he mouths along while the guy reads it out loud. That is dedication to your craft right there.

Most of the time, you can never use a speech like this. Unless you won the lottery or you’re prepared for some messed up blackmail, you have to continue kissing ass long after you walk away from a potential reference. But if you are, as Lester so eloquently puts it, “an ordinary guy with nothing to lose,” use this speech.

And then videotape it and send me the link.

4. For When You Want to Come Back

Han Solo, Empire Strikes Back

Youtube does not believe I should show you this particular clip. Clearly it’s because the sheer sexiness of it would melt your eyeballs right out of your goddamn head (and that’s just when Han is talking to General Rieekan.) Here’s a run-down of the speech I mean*:

Han Motherfucking Solo approaches General Rieekan on the Hoth Base, while Leia stares covetously at him from the corner.

Rieekan: Old person noises about going outside.
Han Motherfucking Solo: General, I’ve got to leave, I can’t stay anymore.
Rieekan, totes indifferent: I’m sorry to hear that.
Han Motherfucking Solo: I’ve got a price on my head, if I don’t pay off Jabba the Hutt, I’m a dead man.
Rieekan: A death mark’s not an easy thing to live w–oh, you’re not even paying attention to me anymore, you’re eye-fucking the only female within three hundred solar systems from across the room. Jealous.

Han Solo is already gone. He approaches the Ice Queen.

Han Motherfucking Solo: Well, I guess this is it.
Leia IceBitch Organa, coldly: That’s right.
Han Motherfucking Solo, not taking this shit: Well, don’t get all mushy on me, so long, princess.

“So long” was actually referring to something else

This is the greatest resignation speech ever given for two reasons: 1) There’s no bullshit and 2) It is just begging to be rejected. First of all, the professional resignation: he doesn’t beat around the bush, he doesn’t kiss Rieekan’s ass, he doesn’t get emotional. He just says he has to leave and he gives a really good reason for doing so, i.e. his imminent death.  When you’re not caught up in “oh, um, I really learned a lot and I loved working here and killing lots of people” you can hear that this guy doesn’t really want to leave. He may want to come back. You will always give that man back his job, because he’s a man and he just does what needs to be done, no bullshit required.

“I’m sorry, General, I have to go plow the crap out of that girl over there.”

Which leads us to the rest of it. This is the way to say goodbye to a girl if you really want her to chase you down and bring you back. Be distant. Out-aloof her. Say as little as possible. Then piss her off a little bit and add just enough irritation to show that you’re a little bothered by her indifference. Oh, but one thing: you have to be the hottest badass in the universe to pull that off, or she’ll probably just let you go.

[*Note: This dialogue is pulled directly from my memory. Instead of correcting it, just do what I do, and play Han Solo's voice in your head. Now you don't care.]