Carry On, My Wayward Winchester

7 Oct

Supernatural: Whatever the opposite of progress is.

 

I haven’t written on this blog in awhile because I fell into a horrible addiction to a terrible substance that looks really appealing but is crippling to your ability to be productive, have a life, and go outside to enjoy that warm ball in the sky. This addiction is Supernatural, and I don’t understand it. It’s misogynistic, homophobic, queer-baiting, clumsy, and unimaginative.

And I love it. I don’t know why.

Okay, so, that’s a lie

Anyway, Season 10 starts today! And to celebrate, I wrote a new version of “Carry On My Wayward Son” just for the show! Let’s all sing along!

 

Carry on my wayward son.
There’s no peace when you are done.
Heaven’s closed and angels suck
So don’t die no more.

[Bitchin' Guitar Solo]

Sam was clutching Dean tight to his chest hair,
Sobbing manfully but Dean wasn’t in there,
Though he held his brother tighter,
Dean just totally died.

I’ve seen angels stopping people from dying,
They pulled Dean out of hell to stop him from frying.
So why’d his death even happen?
It makes me want to say:

“Where the hell was Castiel??
Up in heaven in a chair?
Talking shit with Metatron?
Cas, you’re always wrong.”

At the end of things I saw a Dean demon
Thought it wasn’t real, still thought I was dreamin’.
Prob’ly shouldn’t be excited
That now his eyes are black.

Though his eyes can see, he’s not a Winchester,
When his soul’s at stake, Crowley’s the investor.
I can’t imagine all the growling,
When I hear their voices say,

“Carry on my wayward son.
Looks like you and Sam aren’t done.
You will never get some rest.
So don’t try no more.”

“Don’t you try no moooooooooooore!”

Star Wars Drinking Game

13 Apr

Now, most of you realize that the point of a drinking game is something that forces you to drink more than you normally would while watching a movie. Sadly, a lot of drinking games don’t realize this. So here’s how this works: you choose an allegiance (Empire or Rebels) and drink according to 2 sets of rules:

1) Rules That Your Allegiance Drinks To for All Three Movies
2) Rules That Your Allegiance Drinks to for an Individual Movie
 *There are also special addendum rules for Special Edition and Insufferable Fans of Star Wars

If you’re feeling like a fucking champion, I suppose you could just follow all of the rules. Then again, you could just chug a beer for six hours straight and it would be roughly the same experience.

All right, now choose your side. Light or Dark side of the Force/beer, either way you’re getting shit-faced.

 

                    Lucas

Best TV First Kisses

9 Feb

You know those shows that you watch pretty much just so you can see the titular characters hook up?

TITULAR characters. Stay with me here.

I love a lot of shows for a lot of reasons, but if I’m not actively shipping two characters in said show, I start to lose interest, which explains why I hated Season 4 of Buffy so very, very much. (I mean, seriously, who was I supposed to root for? Harmony and Spike? Giles and Olivia?)

This?!

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not crazy. I love Doctor Who for the Slitheen and Star Trek: TNG for Wesley, and Battlestar Galactica for Saul Tigh and Caprica Six’s love child (I mean, who doesn’t love Liam?) But I need more.

There’s a lot of good stuff in my favorite shows, but as a culture I think we appreciate a good romance alongside our adventure, not one that waits in the wings. Which is why as long as you give two protagonists good chemistry, even our homophobic society will ship couples like Sherlock and Watson. Even without any noticeable romance, fans will project their own desires for makeouts onto main characters.

And then it gets weird.

So here’s my point: if you want to get into a show because there’s a good, slow buildup to a first kiss that blows you the fuck away, welcome to my life. Let’s be friends. Here are shows that got a great balance of buildup, unexpectedness and either sweetness or hotness. If you’ve never wanted to end a comfortable relationship so you could go have another first kiss like these, don’t watch these shows. Also, congratulations, you’re a much better person than I am.

I have every single type of first kiss you could ask for listed below; choose your favorite and get watching. These are all based on romance, passion and expectation, and they range from “Tender and Sweet” to “Welp, Time For a Cold Shower.”

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6 Sci-Fi/Fantasy Couples That Should Have Happened

6 Feb

When it comes to “shipping” in television, I’m of two conflicting mindsets. Part of me is really a fan of shows that manage to portray a guy and a girl who are close but not romantically entangled. The other part of me, though, just wants to see literally everyone hook up. Just 24/7, Cory-and-Topanga lovefests all the time. And I prefer people to really know each other when they hook up.

This is still okay.

Gone are the days of the old Superman or Spider-Man where the attraction lay in keeping a secret from your sweetie. No one wants to see a couple hook up when they’re keeping secrets or lying to each other. What we want now are best friends, partners-in-crime, hero-and-sidekick kind of action. Rose and the Doctor, Sherlock and Watson, Harry and Sally.

Uh….no.

So here are some shows that displayed great potential for two equal, interesting partners to get con-sensual with each other, but chose not to. And they must be punished for their transgressions.

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Hunger Games: The Empire Strikes Back (A Review)

22 Nov

Having struck a decisive blow against the Empire by calling their bluff and blowing up the Death Star with poisoned berries, Katniss Everdeen is hunted relentlessly by the Evil Emperor Snow, bent on punishing her for raising the concept of rebellion in an otherwise “peaceful” police state.

So the really pressing question becomes: who is Gale in this scenario?

My point is, filler movies don’t have to suck. This is a filler movie. And it doesn’t suck!

And it doesn’t even have Harrison Ford! What is this, witchcraft?

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I Just Started Supernatural….

9 Sep

….But already I feel this way. A lot.

Shut up

Top 5 Doctor and Rose Episodes

7 Sep

rose

I rewatched Series 2 of Doctor Who this week (just kidding, I did it all yesterday.) It was one of those days where you think “Love is terrible, let’s watch someone else’s heartbreak via horrible close-ups, too much makeup and a beautiful Scotsman.”

Not even close.

Now, if you ship the Doctor and Rose as much as I do (soooooooooo excited for the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary!) then you’ve probably wondered which episodes have the best interactions that make this couple so great. After all, they have 28 episodes together and while that 28 includes a disappointing lack of sweaty Time Lord sex, there are moments worth our time. Let’s check it out.

Firstly, though, you should know that there are no episodes from the Eccleston era here. This is partly due to the fact that Series 1 was the shittiest thing ever pooped out by Russell T. Davies, but mostly it’s because Chris Eccleston is 19 years older than Billie Piper and he was clearly uncomfortable with even the remotest notion of romantic entanglement.

(Also, “I think you need a Doctor”? Really?)

“I think you need a good psychiatrist.”

Secondly, you’re going to disagree with my idea of the best episode. You think you know what I’m going to choose. You don’t.

5. The Idiot’s Lantern

What? No, not this! Almost exactly the opposite of this!

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